Even though Target has been putting out back to school supplies since July (literally the day after Independence Day), back to school time is finally here. And although back to school time brings a lot of good things—cute new fall clothes, fresh, unsharpened #2 pencils and blank notebooks just waiting to be filled with writing (damn, do I love stationery), new opportunities—it also brings a lot of stress, anxiety, and its own set of challenges.
Fear not, fellow nerds. Our most loyal, most trustworthy companions—books—are here to help. I’ve compiled ten of my best back to school tips from books that will help you out whether you’re the new kid in a new town, or just returning for another year on the same old campus. Read on for some quality education, book babes.
1. Make friends with the popular girls who want to perform exorcisms on the Resident Weird Girl™ at school (The Merciless by Danielle Vega)
Look, it can be hard to fall in with the right crowd when you’re the new kid in town. So if the popular clique wants to take you under their wing, definitely roll with it. I mean, they’ve got to be popular for a reason, right? They’re well-groomed, pretty, and devoutly religious. Your grandma is going to love them. If they’re slicing up girls and dousing them with holy water in the name of Jesus in the basement of some abandoned house, there must be a good reason for it. Just roll with it or you’re going to risk them not accepting you and then who are you going to be friends with? Just think of it as a really good bonding ritual, and everything will be fine.
2. If someone tells you there’s a troll in the dungeon, definitely go confront the troll. Head on. (Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling)
“Harry then did something that was both very brave and very stupid.”
Yes, I know all your teachers are telling you to return to the dormitories immediately even though Slytherin’s dorm is literally in the dungeon.
But Hermione is down there. And I know she’s a pain in the ass now, but you have no idea how loyal she is and how many times she’s going to save your ass in the future and how beautiful she is going to get once she grows out of her awkward phase. Would you rather risk confronting the troll or be a shitty friend? Wizard up and get down to the girls’ bathroom and save her! No, don’t make a plan before you go. There’s no time for that. You’ll figure something out once you get there. And trust me, this one life risking moment will pay off tenfold in the form of valuable friendships to get you through the next several years of school. After all, “there are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.”
3. Be sure to hoard peanut butter and granola bars under your bed so you never have to navigate awkward dining hall situations. (Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell)
The dining hall can be confusing and overwhelming and anxiety inducing. Where do you start? What’s good and what isn’t? How and where do you pay? Where do you sit? I get it. Cath gets it. And that’s why it’s important to hoard jars of peanut butter (preferably the economy size) and boxes of granola bars under your bed. And make sure Levi doesn’t eat any of them, because that’s one less thing you have to nourish you as you avoid venturing into the dining hall or any food establishment on campus because that’s just way too awkward and wouldn’t you rather get burnt out on nut butter and Chewy bars than have an anxiety attack? Same. Hoard the non-perishables, and disregard your roommate’s comments about your “freaky eating”.
4. For God’s sake, learn how to tie your tie correctly. (Zombie by J.R. Angelella)
If there is one thing to be learned from Jeremy Barker—and there’s definitely more than one—it’s that the knot in your tie can make or break your high school experience. And even though your dad insists that the Windsor is the way to go, you know that, and I quote, “the Windsor usually makes you look like a fuckwad.”
And no one wants that. Especially on the first day.
According to my father, there are three types of necktie knots: the Windsor, the Half-Windsor, and the Limp Dick.
“Jeremy, I’d bet my hand that every swinging dick at Byron Hall wears the Windsor.”
“Could you not talk about dicks first thing in the morning?”
As Jeremy “professors our asses”, getting your tie right takes skill, practice, and a sense of pride. Having your knot perfectly tied may not save you from a zombie apocalypse—but it will make you look good while fighting off the undead, and isn’t that what really matters?
5. When resurrecting your BFF to achieve BTS #squadgoals, be sure not to accidentally resurrect the two resident mean girls along with her. (Undead Girl Gang)
Check your spell work! You can’t be #squadgoals if two out of the four members of your squad hate your freaking guts and you guys are sniping at each other literally all the time. Plus, they have no respect for you—their literal necromancer—so they’re going to wander away all the time, and when they get too far from you they morph right back into zombie form and scare the bejesus out of everyone in their path, which kids these days tell me is really bad for the squad. So for the love of iced coffee and crystals, be careful with the spells you conduct in the cemetery. It’s bad enough you’re getting your information from a mysterious grimoire that showed up on your doorstep. If you’re already on thin ice, does it really hurt to just triple check everything?
6. Don’t get detention unless you want to become a murder suspect. (One of Us Is Lying)
I know you think your detention experience is going to be a modern day retelling of The Breakfast Club and everyone’s going to be really introspective and learn about each other and gain this newfound respect outside of your respective stereotypical high school labels, but before you start acting out and trying to be a badass in the halls, just listen. That’s not how it’s going to go. In actuality, one of the members of your little Breakfast Club is going to die. Horribly. And you are going to be blamed. You and everyone else in detention. No one is innocent. Your character will be drawn into question and every aspect of your life picked to pieces. Someone will go to prison. Violence will ensue. Lives will be ruined. Corpses will be carted out of classrooms. And why? Because you wanted to mouth off to Mrs. Miller in math? Say it with me, folks: it’s not worth it. Just keep your ass out of jail.
7. Make friends with the prep school boys, but make sure everyone at your public school knows you’re actually disgusted by them and their rich, preppy ways. Can’t have them thinking you’re a sellout. (The Raven King)
It’s taken you years to cultivate your reputation as the crunchy/hippie/daughter of a psychic/environmentally conscious/stick it to the man/not like the other girls girl. And now you’re going to risk it by befriending and falling in love with all those infuriatingly perfect prep school boys from Aglionby. You’re really walking the line here when guys like Henry Cheng swing by right in front of your public school in his ridiculously expensive, shiny car talking to you like your old buds right in front of everyone. I mean, the nerve of this guy. Does he not know who you are? Be sure to keep someone reliable around. Someone like good old Richard Gansey III, who will indeed roll up to your school right in front of everyone where they can all see that he’s a rich prep school boy, but he will at least have the decency to let you fake yell at him and berate him for how disgusted you are by his general being in front of all your schoolmates. I mean, you have a reputation to uphold. That’s important.
8. Call all the cheerleaders Madison. Cheerleaders love that. (Field Guide to the North American Teenager by Ben Phillipe)
Look, worst case scenario, all the cheerleaders hate you for the rest of your high school career, and social hierarchy be damned, that’s kinda what you were going for anyway, wasn’t it? You’re a rebel. A free thinker. An overly sweaty beatnik. Madison Shmadison, amiright?
Best case scenario, one of them actually is named Madison, and with how big cheerleading squads are and how many parents have an affinity for the Madison/Makayla/McKenzie naming conventions these days—your chances aren’t that bad. And it’s not like you’ll end up working at a place that’s owned by father of the one cheerleader who actually is named Madison, and after insulting her and her whole squad, you’ll have to be trained by her and then work alongside her day after day?
Oh, what’s that? You’ll do all of those things?
Well, looks like you’re on your own there, kid. We’re in deep Madison waters now. (Madison Waters, by the way, would be the perfect cheerleader name.)
There you have it, folks! You know what to do when your friends perform impromptu exorcisms, how to act when there’s a troll in the dungeon, and how to get entire cheerleading squads to hate you on sight. If you’re not ready for back to school now, you never will be.
I hope y’all enjoyed the heavy sarcasm here, but in all seriousness, the best back to school tips I can possibly give you are as follows:
- Do your best. It may not seem like it some days, but education is important and you owe it to yourself—no one else, just yourself—to do the best you can and really learn something while you’re there.
- Don’t let the shitheads get to you. There are a lot of shitheads out there. Bullying is a serious issue. Don’t let them get them to you. You are you, and who you are is amazing. Be yourself, be proud, and try not to let them bring you down. And if one day does suck, take it one day at a time and try again the next day. The sun will always rise tomorrow.
- Be thankful for the ones who are there for you. Whether it’s an understanding teacher, a friend would do anything for you, or a parent who lets you rant when you get home, appreciate them, show gratitude for them, and don’t let them forget that you care!
What about you guys? What back to school tips from books do you think are most important? What advice would you give to people returning to the academic grind these coming weeks? Let me know in the comments! As always, I’d love to hear from you. <3